Archive for #life-story

I’VE WRITTEN A BOOK!

Posted in emotional health, Hope, learning to love yourself again, rebuilding your life, recovery, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2017 by Karen unrue

I am a master procrastinator.
There are only two things I have followed through on in my life.
(I’m exaggerating slightly but it makes for a better story.)
One of those was my pregnancy.
nature gave me no option lol.
The other one was completing this book.
It took blood, sweat, and tears, as well as enthusiastic coaching from a support network to ensure both products were birthed properly.
But I managed it.
So I introduce to you my newly born, but strangely named,

“BLUE JELLYFISH SYNDROME”

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I could not be a prouder parent.

In this book you will read how my mental illness,

COMPLEX PTSD,

developed and how over the years I learnt, with the help of my community mental health team
and, eventually, a great therapist,
to manage my symptoms.
It has been a very challenging journey indeed,
and as I’m sure many of you will appreciate,
I felt like giving up at times.

Mostly this book is about

HOPE

and how you can find and maintain hope while living with a mental illness
so you can
SURVIVE AND THRIVE.

My hope is that as you read it my journey will help you along your journey a little

 

BITE THE SNAKE

Posted in bite the snake with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2013 by Karen unrue

EXCITING NEWS!!

I have written a book!

BITE_THE_SNAKE

“How to extract the poison from your past and enjoy playing in the present”

Click here to sign up for updates about Bite the Snake

It is my passion in life
to work with people
that life has trampled on.
Whatever big boot
it was that
squashed the self-belief out of them –
damaged childhood,
domestic abuse,
bullying –
I consider it a privilege
when I can help them
understand,
through the work I do,
that they did not deserve
the treatment they received,
and show them how
to regain
their self-worth
and learn to
love themselves again.

loving herself 2

I speak out of my own experience.
After a “big boot”
crushed me underfoot
I had to learn
to live again,
believe again –
that I was worth loving.
Trust again –
that I had value.

I wish I had had a book
like this to read
when I was
trying
to figure it all out.
I am so happy
that I have been able
to write this
and help others on their way.

smiling hand

THE SURPRISE PARTY

Posted in THE SURPRISE OF RECOVERY with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2013 by Karen unrue
painting by Fahad Hassain

painting by Fahad Hossain

Have you ever had a birthday
when no one remembered ?
A birthday when no one rang
to wish you “Happy Birthday”,
no one at work brought in a card,
and only acquaintances,
and your boss said anything at all?

It sucks right !?
It makes you feel
alone,
unloved,
unhappy,
it can even make you wonder
what life is all about.
Make you
doubt yourself,
doubt your self-worth,
doubt the people you thought were friends,
doubt your judgement.
At its worst
it can even make you feel
depressed,
despairing.

BUT THEN

You arrive home,
the windows are dark,
the house is silent.
You put your key in the front door –
and the moment you walk in
the house lights up like a firework!
A crowd of people
are cheering
and shouting out
“SURPRISE!!!”
as they
jump up and down,
throw streamers
and set off party poppers,
and then they –
run at you,
hug you,
kiss you
with big smiles on their faces.

surprise party 1

Suddenly the sadness is gone.
You know you are
loved,
valued,
cared about.
Loneliness leaves,
self doubt is dispelled,
despair dissipates.
The present,
and the future, look
BRIGHT.

HEALING
is often like this too!

It can seem far away,
even impossible.
We can be filled
with the feeling
that we will never recover.
Pain,
depression,
despair,
self-doubt,
self-loathing,
loneliness,
seem to be our only companions.

depression

I have been there.
I know that feeling.
I wanted to –
give up,
let go,
stop fighting for survival.
stop hoping for a better day to come.
I even contemplated
suicide
at times.

BUT THEN – out of the blue –

RECOVERY SURPRISED ME!!!

Hope lit up the room
and threw party poppers.
Joy ran at me and held me
in a welcoming embrace.
The present
was not so scary,
and the future not so dark.

drawing by holymoocow

drawing by holymoocow

Here’s the thing!!
If I had given in
to the feelings of despair –
NOT kept hoping
for a better day,
If I had given up
and checked out –
even just the day before –

I WOULD HAVE MISSED THE PARTY!

I met a young woman,
in the clinic in Cape Town,
who is 29 years old.
She became a heroin addict
at a very young age
during a time of trauma and abandonment.
She is beautiful,
both inside and out.
When I met her
it was her 21st time in a rehab clinic!!!
SHE REFUSES TO GIVE UP!!
She believes that one day
she will get clean
and stay clean.
And do you know what?
I believe she will too!
I believe she will one day soon
attend her own
SURPRISE PARTY!

drug-rehab-center

The damage
done to me by my loving
but unwitting parents
during my childhood.
The damage
done to me
by an abusive husband
over 10 years
during my twenties.
It has taken until
the age of 54
for me to be really free of it.

THAT’S A LONG TIME!

That’s 24 years!

But if I had given up,
checked out,
at the times I was tempted to
during those years
I would have missed
THE SURPRISE PARTY
of recovery
that eventually came.

So I urge anyone reading this –
If you are tempted
to give in
or
give up.
DON’T !
Keep on keeping on.
Look for people to –
support you,
walk with you,
give you hope,
pick you up when you fall down –
but
KEEP GOING!

Your SURPRISE PARTY
Could be just around the corner!!!

hope

Please know that you can chat to me about any aspect of recovery you like – if I don’t know the answer I will find out for you
DON’T WALK ALONE!

————————————————————————————–

TALKING OF WALKING – IT WOULD BE WONDERFUL IF YOU COULD CHECK OUT THE DONATE PAGE BELOW AND SPONSOR ME IN A WALK I AM DOING FOR THE MENTAL HEALTH CHARITY I WORK FOR – THANKS

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MAN ON THE MOON

Posted in MAN ON THE MOON with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 28, 2013 by Karen unrue

the moon

5.30 this morning.
I go downstairs to the car park
of my apartment building,
(we have no balcony!)
for a cigarette.
I look up
and I see the moon
in all her glory.
I am awe-struck –
as if its the first time I’ve seen it.
I think to myself
that not all that long ago
the moon was a mystery.
Scientists
had not invented a telescope
big enough
to see it properly.
NO ONE
had stood on the moon
and taken pictures
of what we,
the earth,
look like from there.
We had no idea
of what we looked like
in the grand scale of things.
We had no way
of putting ourselves
into perspective
on a universal scale.
NOW WE CAN!!!
earh from the moon
This is important to me
because
I have just returned
from a private clinic
in Cape Town,
South Africa,
where I underwent
a medical detox
for a benzodiazapene,
(tranquilizor)
that my doctor
prescribed
when I experienced
a period of anxiety
3 years ago.
She did NOT make it clear
it was addictive.
The anxiety passed.
The addiction did not!
Turns out that
The National Health Service,
here in Britain,
will give out this shit
like candy
but does not provide an exit strategy.
For the last 3 years
I have been trying to come off it –
without success –
because the side effects are
HORRENDOUS!!
My life was being torn apart.

torn clothing

In the end
I had no choice
but to go private.
I am blessed
that I received a compensation
pay-out at this time,
for something,
that enabled me to afford it.
There are MANY others
who are not so fortunate.

I am home now,
back in London,
CLEAN!

BUT

the on-going side effects
of withdrawal
from a benzodiazapene
are also
HORRENDOUS!!
no one prepared me for this!!
Yesterday
I spent hours
at the emergency room
of a local hospital
having chest x-rays,
and EGC’s
because I thought
I was having
a heart attack.
I passed out for 2 hours
while writing an email to my boss.
Even when sitting still
it feels like a steam train is running through me!!

steam train

Of course
all my tests came back healthy.
This was a relief
BUT
what the F***K
was wrong with me?
I went on a website
http://www.benzobuddies.com
and all was revealed.
It turns out that
that being on a benzo
causes such trauma
to the brain
and central nervous system,
that once a person
has come off of it –
they have to work really really
hard to heal.
Neurotransmitters
are struggling to reconnect –
the brain and the body
are desperately trying to
put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

humpty dumpty

So I looked at the moon
this morning
and thought to myself –
THANK GOD
there has been a man on my moon!
THANK GOD
there are people out there
who have seen the view from up there
and can give me perspective.
THANK GOD
there are those
who have experienced this
and can support
and encourage me.

It can take up to a year
for these side effects
to abate.
But I am not alone!!!!
There are other astronauts with me!

I will be ok!!!

man on the moon

To all of you who have supported me and prayed for me during this time – thank you so much
To anybody who is going through this themselves – don’t give up – stay strong – go to http://www.benzobuddies.com
Contact me if you like – I am happy to answer any questions you may have.

GOD BLESS

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BEDTIME FOR BENZO

Posted in Tranquillizers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 22, 2013 by Karen unrue

bedtime for bonzo

While I lived in the US
Ronald Reagan,
somehow, managed to become
The President of the United States of America.
I say “somehow” because
in his preceding
career he was
best known
for playing side-kick
to a chimp
in some forgettable films,
which included
“BEDTIME FOR BONZO”.
It interested me
that this same Mr Reagan,
who later rose to
such dizzy heights,
was
while associated
with Bonzo,
ADDICTED TO MEDIOCRITY.
And that putting
“Bonzo to bed”
was key to him
reaching his
potential.

ronald reagan

WHY DO I MENTION THIS?

Well,
I’m not saying
I aspire
to be President.
but I am sick
to death
of the mediocrity
in my life.
I wish to leave
it behind,
to get on
and reach
my potential –
whatever that might be.
I WANT TO PUT MY BENZO TO BED
But I am stuck,
and I can’t.

question

LET ME EXPLAIN.

Just over 2 years ago I was seeing a therapist who for several years listened, and talked me through the “why’s” of the debilitating “anxiety” that I experienced at times since ending my abusive marriage. She also taught me the “how’s” of managing these times until they buggered off completely. She was terrific and I worked hard.
I have not needed to see her for 2 years now which is wonderful.

HOWEVER

During the time that I was seeing this therapist my well-meaning doctor put me on lorazepam to help ease the anxiety. She did not tell me it was addictive. Lorazepam is a benzodiazepine. It is called Ativan in the US. Benzo is a shortened name for benzodiazepine.

I have, for the last 2 years, been attempting to come off Lorazepam – my benzo.
I HAVE FAILED.
Here is why –

“It is more difficult to withdraw people from benzodiazepines than it is from heroin. It just seems that the dependency is so ingrained and the withdrawal symptoms you get are so intolerable that people have a great deal of problem coming off……..” Professor Malcolm H Lader, Royal Maudesley Hospital

Here is a photo I took that, for me, captures how it feels to be addicted to a benzo

IMG_1687

YOU FEEL HUMAN BUT NOT QUITE HUMAN

There is a strong feeling of disassociation, like living in a fuzzy mental bubble.
communication is difficult because short term memory fails you and words are hard to recall.
Also it sometimes just feels like too much effort to hold a conversation.
It is impossible to concentrate for long periods of time.
Fatigue is all consuming.
Muscle aches and cramps, joint pain and swelling are SO painful.
Occasional numbness and tremor in the hands.
Walking is difficult sometimes.
Coordination is off.
Vision is impaired.
Bloating and nausea.
Irritability.
Over reaction to small things.
The need to withdraw, be alone, or sleep is often overwhelming.
All sorts of problems with digestive system.
Bouts of insomnia
etc etc etc etc etc

lorazepam

For the last 2 and 1/2 years I have taken 1 mg of lorazapem 4 times a day because it’s so hard to come off.
I now know that this dose means that I am taking the equivalent to 40 grams of valium each day!

THAT IS A HEFTY DOSE OF TRANQUILLIZER

I asked my GP to see if the NHS provided medically assisted withdrawal.
She looked but could find NOTHING.
I searched the web for charities, support groups etc that would assist me to come off my benzo.
I found ONE and this turned out to be so utterly useless it made you want to take more drugs!!!!!
I TRIED TO COME OFF ON MY OWN –
I followed on-line advice to reduce the dose by shaving minute bits off one pill over several weeks.
I got down to 3 pills a day but the side effects were so awful I had to return to 4 a day.
I then tried another on-line method.
My doctor gave me the equivalent dose of valium for the lorazepam I would shave off. The plan being to eventually transfer to valium altogether which is easier to withdraw from.
Again I got down to 3 pills a day but the side effects knocked me for six and I had to go back up to 4 a day.

I WAS AT MY WIT’S END

BECAUSE

The symptoms described above were taking their toll on my:-

Ability to reliably turn up to my job and be able to do it when I was there.
Ability to connect effectively with my partner of 12 years.
Ability to turn up to planned events with friends and family.

I eventually had to quit my job.
My partner, understandably, experienced a lot of stress and resentment owing to my behaviour.
It has put a lot of stress on our relationship – and this is not yet resolved.
That is worrying.

another-anime-theories-blog-eyepatch-girl-deaths-parakeet-final-destination

WHY AM I TELLING YOU ALL THIS?

There are several reasons

This last month I have reached crisis point and have been so unwell that My partner has graciously paid for me to go to a private clinic to withdraw from lorazepam.

Crescent+Clinic+Cape+Town+-76233_l_6fc5a6aec6df1e85a74427e2196f505f

I leave on Saturday 24th August for Cape Town, South Africa for 3 weeks.
It is cheaper than to go to any private clinic of similar quality in the UK.
I am NOT looking forward to it – I understand it is a very unpleasant experience

BUT I LONG to be free of this toxic substance that has me addicted to mediocrity, it is:-
ruining my health
ruining my working life
ruining my ability to be independent financially.
ruining my creativity and ability to fulfil plans
and most of all – potentially ruining my relationship with my wonderful girlfriend.

I could have quietly skulked off and pretended I was going on holiday,
BUT I wanted to be honest and transparent on this blog
BECAUSE
there are loads of people going through this.
It SO important to know that we are not alone.
IF my being open helps someone then that is great.

hug 1

So – I will not be blogging for 3 weeks as I undergo treatment.

But please if you have read this and you too are suffering on a benzo
do get in touch,
share your experience if you want to
and I will reply on my return.
I am not wise
I do not have the answers
but I have been there,
I do understand
and would love to have a chat.

so it’s

“BEDTIME FOR BENZO”

and remember

DONT GIVE UP!

hope

A NEW LIFE BEGINS!

Posted in new baby boy with tags , , , , , , , , on August 11, 2013 by Karen unrue

IMG_3429

I just wanted to share with
all my lovely followers
that today
is one of the happiest of days of my life.
I am a grandma
for the very first time.
Samuel Peter Unrue
was born at 6.30
this morning
and is healthy and
beautiful.

THAT MOMENT WHEN THE LIGHT GOES ON

Posted in Inspired with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 4, 2013 by Karen unrue

425675_10150683329393899_1706279054_n

This is not something I usually do –
post a video.
And please believe me
when i say
that
it is not just a
lazy man’s blog post.
I watched this
and
was blown away
by the insight
and
simplicity
of this piece of research,
and this woman’s journey.
IT TURNED A LIGHT ON FOR ME.
It has been said (by someone who’s name I should probably know!)
that
true freedom
comes
when we learn
how to be
unselfconsciousness.

PLEASE WATCH WHAT BRENE BROWN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT
IT’S WORTH IT!

Oh, and I’d love to hear what you think, so please comment.

HEIGHTENED ANXIETY

Posted in Heightened anxiety with tags , , , , , , , , on August 3, 2013 by Karen unrue

spinning the brain

Heightened anxiety
spins the brain.
Its like a pot being
thrown
by a drunk.

My shape
and my form
I try hard to maintain,
Cos I know
If I can’t
I am sunk.

images

THE LOVELY YOUNG MAN

Posted in THE LOVELY YOUNG MAN with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 1, 2013 by Karen unrue

young man 2

A lovely young man
came to see me.
A good looking
young man,
28 years old,
with a good job,
and his own flat.
I was
a mentor
in a
mental health charity.
HE WAS TROUBLED.

depression

Recently, his
ANXIETIES
had spiralled into
DEPRESSION.
He didn’t understand
what was wrong.
He’d always found
relationships
difficult, he said,
even with family.
But lately his friendships
had become increasingly
strained.
Then his girlfriend
had left him
and now he was
on medication.

help_pills_c
He said,

“It isn’t that life is hard, it’s that I FIND LIFE HARD!
And I don’t know why”.

Early on
In our sessions
I asked him
a question –

WHAT IS YOUR BOTTOM LINE?

I explained
I wasn’t talking about
the Visible Panty Line
that expensive underwear adverts
promise to eradicate.

NO!

In this instance –

The BOTTOM LINE is the description of yourself that you believe to be 100%
TRUE.

It is indicated in how
you complete the sentence –
I AM…….
when no one is listening.
When its
just you
in
quiet solitude,
being brutally honest
with yourself.

who am i

The lovely young man
thought about it
a while,
then
admitted to me
his
BOTTOM LINE
was
I AM … NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
I AM … TO BLAME.

Peoples underlying beliefs about themselves will always impact their thinking and then their behaviour.

I explained this to him and that his BOTTOM LINE was influencing everything in his life, including his relationships, and that only when he changed his beliefs about himself would “living life” become easier for him.

“But how do I do THAT?” He gasped

I said,
“It is possible.
I know because I have done it,
and I will show you how”.

I told him –
Your BOTTOM LINE is a label you wear.
A label you have allowed to define you because you believe it to be true.

So we talked about labels and how we acquire them.
How when we come into this world our label is blank –
blank labels
we have no opinion of who we are – not good or bad.
And that the opinion we will eventually have of ourselves,
our BOTTOM LINE,
will develop over time –
AS OTHER PEOPLE WRITE ON OUR LABEL.

handwriting

What people write on a child’s label varies.
It depends on the environment in which they are raised.

A healthy environment label will most likely say –
“you are lovable,
interesting,
fun to be with,
and you can do anything you put your mind to”

An unhealthy environment label will most likely say –
“you are a nuisance,
stupid,
in the way,
and you will never amount to anything.”

dysfunctional

Yes, it’s a genetic lottery.
We have no say about
the families
we are born into.
And the kids in
unhealthy families
have an
uphill battle.
But even kids
in nurturing families
are spoken to
carelessly
or unkindly
at times.

NO ONE IS IMMUNE.

I explained that children have what child psychologist’s call
CONCRETE THINKING.
This means that children (up to 14 or15) take personally everything that is said to them,
and believe it to be FACT.

They don’t have the capacity, as adults do, to take into consideration the
circumstances or the mood of the person speaking.
Adults can differentiate between the truth and an opinion.
They know that an opinion is often rooted in some issue that the person voicing it is having, and can, therefore, disregard it.

Children can’t do that.
To a child
ugly things aren’t said because –

“mum is having a bad day”,

mum pulling her hair out

or “dad has money worries and is short-tempered”.

finances

NO

To a child –
Ugly things are said
Because
THEY ARE TRUE.

BUT,
I explained to him
WHAT IS ACTUALLY TRUE
is that the ugly things
that are said to us
as children
are NOT facts
but
OPINIONS.

OPINIONS VOICED OUT OF ISSUES THAT THE PERSON SPEAKING IS HAVING AT THE TIME.

The lovely young man
suddenly
straightened up
in his chair.
There was a
light in his eyes.
He had heard
something
that
resonated.

He recounted that one night
when he was
seven years old
he’d been put to bed
by his mother.
She then went downstairs
and soon he could hear
her and his father arguing
in the lounge below his bedroom.

bth_couple-fighting_zpsaf14a3e4

This was nothing new – they argued quite a lot.
But this one escalated
to such decibels
and went on for so long
that he became alarmed –
and then frightened.
He crept downstairs in his pyjamas
and stood in the hall next to the
closed living room door.
SUDDENLY
his mother burst out of the room.
She saw him,
pointed her finger at him
and said,

pointing

“ITS YOUR FAULT I’M STUCK IN THIS GOD-AWFUL MARRIAGE.
IF IT WASN’T FOR YOU I COULD LEAVE AND HAVE A BETTER LIFE.
ITS YOUR FAULT I’M STUCK HERE AND UNHAPPY”

She then stormed upstairs
leaving him standing alone
UNDER THE WEIGHT OF HER WORDS.

The lovely young man
then told me
that from that moment on
he felt responsible
for his mother’s
happiness.
He tried hard
to be good,
to be funny,
to be there
for her.
And felt guilty
when she was unhappy.
It was his fault.
SHE HAD SAID SO.

He said that with every relationship that mattered to him from then on
he felt he had to make sure the other person was always alright.
Their happiness
was his responsibility.
It was a joke at first.
They teased him a bit,
said he should “chill”.
He tried to stop
trying so hard.
But lately things only got worse.
And one by one
his friends fell away.
Then his girlfriend
said she felt smothered
and walked away too.

girlfreind leaving

“BUT IF WHAT YOU ARE SAYING IS TRUE” he said excitedly,
“Then my mother wasn’t speaking A FACT ABOUT ME! Was she?
She was just VOICING AN OPINION out of the anger she was feeling!”

He took a deep breath as the reality sank in,

“And so THE TRUTH IS “ he continued,
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE for other people’s happiness – am I !!”

I smiled, and said, “THAT’S RIGHT”.

And he smiled too.

smile

Over the weeks we worked on erasing the opinions he had worn as the truth.
He gradually wrote his own label.
Redefining himself
and learning to
live his life FREE from
THE WEIGHT OF HIS MOTHER’S WORDS.

It wasn’t easy,
but with hard work
and perseverance
he began
breaking the habits
of thinking
and behaviour
that had caused
him to
“find life hard.”

The lovely young man,
a couple of years
after our sessions had ended,
spotted me in a restaurant.
He came over.
He was smiling.
He told me how well his life was going
Then took me to his table
and introduced me to his girlfriend.

I must say –
they both looked
VERY HAPPY INDEED.

_smitten__couple_in_love_figurative__figurative__08959ab3929e456a74457a4d6210735a

Have any of the labels you have been given created problems for you?

If you look back with an adults eye can you see that most likely they were not facts but opinions?

what are some of the opinions you have believed to be facts?

I will discuss in more depth some of the techniques for working yourself free from damaging opinions in my next post.

Do you have any questions you would like me to try and answer?

I would be happy to give it my best shot !

THIS IS NOT A CLASSIC LOVE STORY.

Posted in learning to love yourself again with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 25, 2013 by Karen unrue

_Marriage1

I was not in love with
the man I married.

In December 1977
I was
19 years old
and
doubt and confusion
clog-danced in my brain
behind
the FIXED SMILE
smile 2
that beamed
to perfection
the whole bloody time,
and filled
all the photos
on my
wedding day.

It was not a shotgun wedding.

I was not Muslim,
Indian,
or a Moonie.
moonie wedding

This marriage was not “arranged”.

So what was going on?

That’s what I want to talk about.
Because
what was “going on” then
is still “going on” today.

And what “was going on”
is that :-

CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALISM
PRIMES YOUNG WOMEN
TO ENTER
ABUSIVE MARRIAGES.

Wow that’s a controversial statement.
Many will disagree.
images
However,
From my own experience
and those
of many other women,
I KNOW IT TO BE TRUE!

Let me tell you how it works.

A – Girls in a fundamentalist Christian home will grow up in a sheltered environment. Their social life will revolve around church. They might attend only Christian school and in the most severe cases – be home-schooled.

B – The world outside of church is considered secular, and all things secular are to be feared.

C – Unbelievers live in this secular world, and they are only to be befriended with the sole purpose of “getting them saved”. To simply be friends with an unbeliever will expose a Christian girl to the dangers of secular ways.
(Or to put it another way – non -Christian friends are a gateway drug!)

D – This sheltered life leads to girls being naïve and uninformed about a lot of life’s realities. It makes them more idealistic and impressionable.
good christian girl 1
E – Girls are taught that men are the head of the house, men are the spiritual “covering” of women, men are responsible before God for the women in their care. In fact, lets face it girls are taught that men are superior to women.

F – Girls are taught that men are more important to God than women; that he listens to them and speaks through them.

E – Girls are taught that they are not equal to men. They may be smarter or more artistic, more musical, more practical, more lots of things – BUT not more spiritual, and certainly not on an even footing with men in the eyes of God.

F – This being the case, girls are taught to defer to men and to be subject to men. (Now, no matter how much common sense a Christian girl might have, no matter how flawed she may recognise many of the men in her life to be, this common sense will be in conflict with her conditioning – and conditioning always wins.)

G – All fundamentalist Christians are taught to fear being out of God’s will. No matter how much God might love you he REALLY does not like it when you step out of his will and you will incur His wrath.
(Just what His will is cannot be easily defined but it has a lot to do with obeying rules, and for a Christian girl one of the big rules is that men are the ones God’s put in charge and so she must be subject to them.)

H – Dating – (oh don’t get me started!!! Girls are taught all manner of silliness when it comes to dating – far too much silliness for me to go into all of it here.)

These are a few examples:-

1 – You absolutely CANNOT date an unbeliever – it will cause you to lose your faith. (Apparently this is one of those things that most definitely takes you out of God’s will.)

2 – God has already picked out the man you are to marry. All you have to do is wait and listen for His leading to show you who he is.
chosen man
3 – you can do nothing but hold hands until you are engaged. Anything else will automatically tempt you to have sex.

So here she stands –

THE FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN YOUNG WOMAN !

And here he is –

THE FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN YOUNG MAN

And he fancies her!

If he is a fundamentalist Christian young man who despite his better self will end up being an abuser of women –

WHAT HAPPENS THEN?

Well, here’s my story.

The only men in my social world were chinless, spotty, youth group teenagers, and I definitely did not hear God telling me any of them were my CHOSEN one.
Then along came K.
23 years old, six foot tall, and with a chin.
He was an American airman from the nearby US air force base.
He arrived on 1000cc motorcycle, wore cowboy boots,
cowboy boots
and most amazing of all – was a Christian.
I didn’t fancy him, he wasn’t handsome, but he was here, he was different, and in the very small fundamentalist Christian pool I was fishing in he looked like a dolphin.
A couple of his mates from the base also began coming to church, and soon my sister and I were spending time with them on the weekends.
It was exciting.
When K asked me out I said “no”.
When he asked why – I was truthful,
“you’re nice but I don’t fancy you.”
This just made him more determined.
He showered me with gifts, took me out to dinner,
we had fun together alone as well as spending time with the whole gang.
But each time he asked me to be his girlfriend I was honest.
I didn’t want to lead him on.
I was a good Christian girl remember.

Then he began asking me to marry him.
It was absurd, and I told him so.
“No I will not marry you – I don’t love you”
But still, for weeks he persisted.
And each time I said “no”.

BUT ONE DAY

He said to me that God had spoken to him,
told him that we were to get married,
that He had missionary work for us to do together.
Again I told him “no”
How could I marry him when I didn’t love him?

THEN HE SAID SOMETHING THAT CHANGED THE COURSE OF MY LIFE FOREVER.

“How can you say NO? You don’t want to be out of God’s will do you?”

KAPOW ***!!!**??**BAM**!!!**??**WALLOP!!

All my common sense went out of the window.
My fundamentalist conditioning kicked in.
NO – I DEFINITELY DID NOT WANT TO BE OUT OF GOD’S WILL!!!
That would be terrifying!
AngryGod-300x188
Getting married to K didn’t feel like the right thing to do,
but this was a Christian man,
and God had spoken to him.
He must be the man God had chosen for me.
I wrestled with my common sense but eventually
I allowed my better judgement to be subjugated to my conditioning,
and to the fear of God’s wrath.

I said, “yes.”

My parents were thrilled.
He had wooed them too.
How could I share my doubts with them?
God had spoken.

So I married him.

And on the honeymoon night the abusive behaviour,
of which I had seen no previous clues,
began.
3 days later we were in America at his new posting,
and for the next 10 years
I endured his ever escalating abuse.
And, blaming myself, of course,
I stayed.

It has taken me many years , to recognise that my
FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN UPBRINGING,
WITH ALL IT’S GOOD INTENTIONS,
PRIMED ME TO BE VULNERABLE
TO SUCH A MAN AS K.
And that my leaving and divorcing
aroused a legacy of guilt that was
disproportionate and unnecessary.

It has taken years of hard work to unlearn this fundamentalist conditioning
and to recognise that God loves me unconditionally,
just the way I am.
Unknown
But at long last I am free.
Free to use my common sense.
Free to trust my own judgement.
Free to befriend who I like and not try to “save” them.
Free to know that men are not superior to women.
Free to love whoever I choose.
Free to be me.

Does any of this resonate with you ?
Have you had a similar experience?
Did you narrowly escape such a situation?
Or maybe you aware that you are caught up in an abusive marriage with your own version of K?
If you would like to chat in confidence – my email address is karenunrue57@gmail.com
You are NOT alone.

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