I was a child/teenager
with a vivid imagination!
It’s impact
On “bed time” varied.
Some nights,
weary from the day’s activities,
I’d drop off
to sleep
when my head hit the pillow.
Other nights
I would wrestle with
VERY REAL,
but imaginary,
THINGS
that arrived,
uninvited,
when the light was off.
These were usually
ANTS OR SPIDERS.
Sometimes other monsters.
The only way to survive
their onslaught,
was to lie still
flat on my back
with my sheet and blankets
pulled over my head
and tucked up tight
under,
and around,
my body.
Eventually, exhausted
by their attempts
to penetrate my defences,
the ants or spiders
died in droves
and disappeared.
I must have looked
ridiculous.
I was an ancient mummy,
or a murdered body,
ready to be placed
in the back of a car
for disposal.
I DIDN’T CARE.
It worked.
It was my
COPING MECHANISM.
In later life,
dealing with real
fears and anxieties,
in very real situations,
this cocoon method of coping,
YOU WILL NOT BE SURPRISED TO LEARN,
was of very little use.
It no longer SOOTHED me.
WHAT NOW?
What this example from my childhood/early teens shows is that the coping mechanisms we develop when we are young become “not fit for purpose” when we are adults.
It is the same with coping mechanisms we develop in the abnormal atmosphere of an abusive relationship. They do “not serve us” well once we are learning to live again in the fresh air of freedom.
We need to develop new ones that DO serve us well.
This takes time, testing out what works best, and, I would advise the input and assistance of someone who understands. This can be a good friend who has been on her own journey of recovery, or a professional experienced in the subject.
For me a breakthrough was having it explained to me that my abuser had not been speaking the truth when he demeaned me, criticised me, verbally attacked me.
He had been voicing his opinion of me.
And his OPINION WAS DISTORTED.
(Remember the tilted room!)
His opinions were voiced out of his own damaged past,
or he was simply a bully who enjoyed
causing pain.
He was not speaking the truth about me.
I WAS NOT WHO OR WHAT HE SAID I WAS!
I could begin to emerge from under the covers.
Because the ants and spiders (the things he said)
Were not real,
NOT TRUE.
I could begin the journey
Of UNBELIEVING
his distorted words,
and start learning
how to love myself again.
How to SOOTHE myself.
I will talk more about this in my next blog.
I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU !
What were some of your childhood/teenage coping mechanisms?
How have you learned to find ones that “serve you well now”?
What are they?
DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?
I’d be happy to have a go at answering them –
To begin a dialogue with you.
THE TILTED ROOM 