the moon

5.30 this morning.
I go downstairs to the car park
of my apartment building,
(we have no balcony!)
for a cigarette.
I look up
and I see the moon
in all her glory.
I am awe-struck –
as if its the first time I’ve seen it.
I think to myself
that not all that long ago
the moon was a mystery.
had not invented a telescope
big enough
to see it properly.
had stood on the moon
and taken pictures
of what we,
the earth,
look like from there.
We had no idea
of what we looked like
in the grand scale of things.
We had no way
of putting ourselves
into perspective
on a universal scale.
earh from the moon
This is important to me
I have just returned
from a private clinic
in Cape Town,
South Africa,
where I underwent
a medical detox
for a benzodiazapene,
that my doctor
when I experienced
a period of anxiety
3 years ago.
She did NOT make it clear
it was addictive.
The anxiety passed.
The addiction did not!
Turns out that
The National Health Service,
here in Britain,
will give out this shit
like candy
but does not provide an exit strategy.
For the last 3 years
I have been trying to come off it –
without success –
because the side effects are
My life was being torn apart.

torn clothing

In the end
I had no choice
but to go private.
I am blessed
that I received a compensation
pay-out at this time,
for something,
that enabled me to afford it.
There are MANY others
who are not so fortunate.

I am home now,
back in London,


the on-going side effects
of withdrawal
from a benzodiazapene
are also
no one prepared me for this!!
I spent hours
at the emergency room
of a local hospital
having chest x-rays,
and EGC’s
because I thought
I was having
a heart attack.
I passed out for 2 hours
while writing an email to my boss.
Even when sitting still
it feels like a steam train is running through me!!

steam train

Of course
all my tests came back healthy.
This was a relief
what the F***K
was wrong with me?
I went on a website
and all was revealed.
It turns out that
that being on a benzo
causes such trauma
to the brain
and central nervous system,
that once a person
has come off of it –
they have to work really really
hard to heal.
are struggling to reconnect –
the brain and the body
are desperately trying to
put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

humpty dumpty

So I looked at the moon
this morning
and thought to myself –
there has been a man on my moon!
there are people out there
who have seen the view from up there
and can give me perspective.
there are those
who have experienced this
and can support
and encourage me.

It can take up to a year
for these side effects
to abate.
But I am not alone!!!!
There are other astronauts with me!

I will be ok!!!

man on the moon

To all of you who have supported me and prayed for me during this time – thank you so much
To anybody who is going through this themselves – don’t give up – stay strong – go to
Contact me if you like – I am happy to answer any questions you may have.


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6 Responses to “MAN ON THE MOON”

  1. i am so happy to see you back, having left a demon behind, though it will take some time, you are on your way. this is horrible, the damage this can inflict, and prescribed so easily without regard to how this will hurt people. best to you and may you find your way without too much more conflict, your body and mind are struggling but they are fighters and i am confident you will win. the moon story was wonderful. peace, beth

    • Hi Beth – thank you so much – its good to be back – i feel a lot better in other ways – i have a clear mind and a hunger for life again – but yes it will take time for the other symptoms to go away – but im ok with that – its healing – its a road toward a better future
      Hope all is well with you and i look forward to reading your posts again

  2. Welcome back! Slowly, surely, sometimes painfully, you’ll get there.

    • I will – I already feel SO much better for having the drug out of my system – just need to be patient as my body works to recover – “we are fearfully and wonderfully made” !!!!

  3. Reading through my own blog and came across your comments. Wanted to check and see how healing was going. I am in a great group on Facebook with a lot of help getting through benzo wd. Cone join us if you want another source of support besides BB

    Take care, Sue

    • thank you so much for that info Sue – I have now joined the group – I am ok and back at work but the ongoing withdrawal symptoms are a real challenge and unpleasant – I have been hoping to join a support group in my area but there are none – I am currently talking to my GP about starting one at the surgery because it borders on criminal how little support there is especially in a capital city like london.
      thank you for your thoughtfulness

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