THE TILTED ROOM

I had left my abusive marriage but I was still rocked with self-accusation and, despite knowing better on a rational level, I still blamed myself for his behaviour toward me.

What if I had ….. ?

Maybe if I hadn’t ……!

Perhaps I should have……!

If only I had …… !

One day, several years after leaving, I contacted a domestic abuse organisation and they sent me some literature.

I opened the envelope and when I pulled out the pamphlet and read the title I burst into tears.

“IF YOU HAD BEHAVED BETTER I WOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO PUNISH YOU”

Oh my god!!!

Someone understood!

Someone knew how I was feeling.

I was not alone.

I began to learn that his behaviour had not been a rational response to something I had done or not done.

His treatment of me was abnormal.

It was the beginning of a healing for me.

I could start trying to love myself again.

Here are the lyrics to a song I wrote as my recovery began to take hold.

LOOSENING THE CHAINS

When she emerges from the wreckage she is changed.

In some indefinable way she’s not the same.

And with the healing of her wounds there come the scars,

but there also comes a wisdom in her heart.

From somewhere she found the courage to survive.

But more than that – she re-learned to be alive.

And each breath she takes is like a second wind

And each day – a chance to begin again.

Now she knows

Now it’s understood

That freedom isn’t easy to attain

You only get there through a barrier of pain

But if you persevere – in time you will loose

the chains that hold you hostage to abuse.

Learning to love herself has been the greatest gift

Cos she’s the one she found it hardest to forgive.

But she was young, and as they say, “love is blind”

And trusting him was her only crime.

She doesn’t have to punish herself anymore

Cos she’s not guilty of the things he blamed her for.

And she’s daring to believe that she’s ok

And that the happiness she’s found won’t be snatched away

Now she knows

Now it’s understood

That freedom isn’t easy to attain

You only get there through a barrier of pain

But if you persevere, in time you will loose

the chains that hold you hostage to abuse.

——————————————————–

Walking the  road into freedom.

This entry was posted on June 25, 2013 at 6:07 am and is filed under learning to love yourself again with tags #abuse, #abusedwomen, #conditioning, #domesticabuse, #healing, #psychology, #recovery, #self-esteem, #self-help, mental-health. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.